The Three Levels of Attraction / Mating / Dating

Important disclaimer: this is written primarily from a male POV, mostly because I haven’t studied or thought about how females attract males in as much detail as the converse.

I would tentatively suggest that the principles apply broadly to women, too, with the following caveats:

  1. Appearance may be a more important factor in women attracting men than the other way round.
  2. Female friends have often told me men – particularly immature men- are intimidated by their talents. This would mean Level II would be inverted in some cases

Level I: Appearance/ Looks / Beauty

I’d like to talk about attractiveness.

AKA ‘pulling power’.

Looking around, nearly everyone notices the most obviously attractive feature: appearance.

It is a bizarre line of thinking which tries to say that everyone is beautiful.

They aren’t, at least not in the sense that most people mean it.

Of course, everyone has some qualities that could be admired by someone.

But that isn’t what we’re talking about.

We are talking very specifically about a physical appearance which is deemed as attractive by most people.

Yes, beauty is : 1) Hard to define; 2) Subject to variance across cultures.

This doesn’t mean beauty doesn’t exist, or that the notion is completely subjective.

If you aren’t convinced, ask 100 men who’d they’d rather sleep with, a famously beautiful woman like Cheryl Cole or a famously ugly woman like Susan Boyle.

Do this anywhere in the world and you will see physical notions of beauty are quite solid.

Image result for cheryl cole
Susan Boyle

II: Excellence / Talent / Ability

Ok – so looks matter – at least to some extent – but anyone who has taken even a cursory glance at the subject knows this is not the whole story. Most rockstars are not objectively beautiful fellas, and they’ve done more bedding than Dunelm Mill.

Abilities matter, too.

The next level of attractiveness is that of excellence. Exceptional ability in any arena.

Look around you. The people who attract more mates tend to be good at things. The people who attract the very most mates are those who are visibly good at things , like professional sportsmen, actors and other people who appear on screens.

Wealth also falls into this category. Leaving aside those individuals who desire a wealthy partner because they want new shiny things, read: ‘Gold diggaz’, many people see wealth as an indicator of talent. If you are able to accumulate money, your talent is Capitalism.

You only have to listen to discussions of Trump to see that this is the case: people think money = excellence. And in some cases, rightly so.

Of course, this kinda falls down in the realm of inheritance, but if you’re focusing on material wealth as the basis of your attraction, you open yourself up to certain risks. If you end up with a talentless squib living off Daddy’s money, tough luck.

Excellence matters more than appearance, particularly if you have the opportunity to display it. Dappy from N Dubz, Peter Crouch, Donald Trump. These men and their sexual partners are all testament to what publicly displayed proficiency does to your attractiveness.

Image result for peter crouch girlfriend
Image result for donald with wife
Image result for dappy girlfriend imani campbell

III: Inner peace/ Security / Confidence

The final level of attractiveness is what we might call ‘security’ or ‘inner peace’ or ‘vibe’ or ‘energy’ – this is being happy with yourself and in a great mood. This is the most attractive quality of all, and certainly the hardest to achieve. It is subtle, and almost impossible to fake.

This makes it extremely valuable.

Appearance can be altered: surgery, make-up, new jeans.

Excellence can be faked: bragging/ false representations/lies, inherited wealth, spending beyond your means.

Being content and completely at ease with yourself: not so easy.

Image result for sam burgess

This is partly the result of luck. Some people had happy childhoods that leave them feeling like they are worthy. They haven’t analysed it much, they just feel they are enough. They are ok with what they are, right now.

This quality is also the result of wise decisions: some people made choices they were happy with, leaving them free of regret.

It is also the result of hard work: some people have undergone great suffering and torment in order to reach a point where they can be ok with who they are.

Whatever the source of their contentment, the result is the same: pure, shiny, luscious.


Married men are more attractive even before women know they are married. Why? They are content, they are comfortable.

They exude a deeper sense of security.

The same could be said of many holders of excellence. People of excellence often hit both bases. They are attractive because they are talented and their talent gives them self-esteem, amplifying their attraction further.

This need not be the case, however.

There are many individuals who are mediocre on paper, but incredibly attractive in real life, to men and women alike, for no discernible reason at all.

We have all come across people like this.

We have also come across people, who, despite being very successful in various ways, do not have the pulling power to match.

This dimension is not related to an independent assessment of your life CV.

It is related to your own internal assessment.

Are you happy with yourself and all that you’ve done?

Do you believe that you are sufficient, more or less as you are?

If the answer is no, you are unlikely to possess the sheer magnetism of somebody who is.

You can still be attractive, of course, but you’ll never be as attractive, or as inspirational, as that rare individual who is at home in their own skin.

Maybe this won’t matter. Maybe you will attract mates and friends who admire you for your talents. Maybe this will be enough.

But maybe it won’t.

Maybe you’ll start to tire of appearance or excellence-based relationships.

Maybe you will begin to yearn for someone who wants you for who you are, not for what you look like, or what you can do.

The good news is: you can work on being ok with yourself.

The bad news is: it will take some time.

The process involved is the subject of another article.

For now, I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

And please, don’t be too hard on yourself.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *